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第8章 于佳的番外（3）

　　'I am the governess.'

　　'Come, Miss Jane, don't cry,' said Bessie as she finished. Shemight as well have said to the fire, 'don't burn!' but how could shedivine the morbid suffering to which I was a prey? In the course ofthe morning Mr. Lloyd came again.

　　'Form classes!'

　　Bessie's presence, compared with the thoughts over which I had beenbrooding, seemed cheerful; even though, as usual, she was somewhatcross. The fact is, after my conflict with and victory over Mrs. Reed,I was not disposed to care much for the nursemaid's transitoryanger; and I was disposed to bask in her youthful lightness ofheart. I just put my two arms round her and said, 'Come, Bessie! don'tscold.'

　　'I suppose,' thought I, 'judging from the plainness of theservant and carriage, Mrs. Fairfax is not a very dashing person: somuch the better; I never lived amongst fine people but once, and I wasvery miserable with them. I wonder if she lives alone except thislittle girl; if so, and if she is in any degree amiable, I shallsurely be able to get on with her; I will do my best; it is a pitythat doing one's best does not always answer. At Lowood, indeed, Itook that resolution, kept it, and succeeded in pleasing; but withMrs. Reed, I remember my best was always spurned with scorn. I prayGod Mrs. Fairfax may not turn out a second Mrs. Reed; but if she does,I am not bound to stay with her! let the worst come to the worst, Ican advertise again. How far are we on our road now, I wonder?'

　　That forest-dell, where Lowood lay, was the cradle of fog andfog-bred pestilence; which, quickening with the quickening spring,crept into the Orphan Asylum, breathed typhus through its crowdedschoolroom and dormitory, and, ere May arrived, transformed theseminary into an hospital.

　　'Family troubles, for one thing.'

　　I nodded.

　　'How dare I, Mrs. Reed? How dare I? Because it is the truth. Youthink I have no feelings, and that I can do without one bit of love orkindness; but I cannot live so: and you have no pity. I shall rememberhow you thrust me back- roughly and violently thrust me back- into thered-room, and locked me up there, to my dying day; though I was inagony; though I cried out, while suffocating with distress, "Havemercy! Have mercy, Aunt Reed!" And that punishment you made mesuffer because your wicked boy struck me- knocked me down for nothing.I will tell anybody who asks me questions, this exact tale. Peoplethink you a good woman, but you are bad, hard-hearted. You aredeceitful!'